Category: My Life

It’s really ironic…

Jon

That one of the most positive things that’s ever happened to me, gets memorialized in my blog with the single most negative post I’ve ever written! And to think it was the first time I ever used the F-word in my blog!

In short, what felt Sunday and Monday like horrible emptiness and aloneless, feels so full of grace that I can’t really describe it. I was at my teacher’s satsang tonight, and being in his presence felt like being “slain in the Spirit.”

It is beautiful, at once full and empty, the essence of everything and nothing. A spaciousness that courteously recedes when I think and work, and reveals its presence when I rest.

God really has a great sense of humor.

Alone

Jon

I’ve delayed posting for a bit… on one hand, it seems like I could write forever, on the other, that I have nothing to say. Yesterday, all morning long at work I felt like crying, until I had lunch with a friend. Afternoon was good, then evening and this very strange awareness that there’s nothing. Activity covers it up. TV covers it up. Thinking covers it up.

It feels insane to not trust my senses. I took a shower this morning, and realized that I feel hot water running. but nothing is happening at all. The holodeck is empty.

I can easity imagine that coming to this place would be terrifying for anyone not ready for it. My teacher once told me of a time he started talking about “too much truth” to someone, and they freaked out on the spot and ran away screaming. He had to catch up with them and change the subject to basketball!

There’s no hope here. None at all. “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” But there’s no problem, so who the hell needs hope?

I see other things more clearly… It’s like the exact same rules apply here, as the in world we call the dream world. Jungians say that everyone in your dream is you. Well no shit! Everyone is “me” or “this” or whatever you want to call it. I reflect myself in different ways to myself to entertain, baffle, challenge, arouse, and calm myself.

For instance, what is sexual attaction? A reflection of something within me I find appealing. For me, it’s part of my animus. For straight guys, it’s part of their anima. (As if there’s any “me” or “they!”) The same applies for every other kind of attraction. Or repulsion. It’s just a game. Like I said, this is weird.

I must admit the hallucination is compelling–exquistely detailed and 15 billion light-years across. All it asks is that you believe in it. But there are gliches in “reality” everywhere.

The Suck

Jon

I may be an idiot for posting this. In spite of all my brave words, “The Wild Things of God,” “Jedi Life in the Real World,” the bottom line is I’m a fucking coward as attached to delusion, identification, and self-deception as anyone. Even the damn blog’s a lie. I hold back so much, not wanting to put myself out there. Why? ‘Cause I want to be liked. I want you (whoever you are) to think… Oh, wow! How insightful! Challenging! Hmm, I never thought of that. Great way you have with words, Frimster! Gee, you’re one smart and spiritual guy!

And don’t for a minute think that I’ve left the ego behind and that’s no longer a motive. It sure is. But I’m going to write honestly about something that happened yesterday. I was listening to an except of a talk by Adyashanti, and when it was over, Suddenly, some words from the Bhagavad Gita came to mind:

Krishna said to Arjuna:
Behold, I create all worlds
out of my own magic.

Suddenly I realized that I was Krishna. I was the one creating the appearance of worlds. Close my eyes, stop up my ears, still the mind, and there is nothing. I don’t mean there appears to be nothing. I knew there is nothing at all!

I broke down and cried for what was a least half an hour. Talbot, my cat, climbed onto me to comfort me. _And I knew he wasn’t there!_ There was just “me” whatever that is, trying to comfort me, like there’s just me confusing me, playing with me, fighting with me, and oh God, I felt so alone.

There’s a Zen tradition about marking insights with poems. Here’s mine:

Tears

The world exists
only through my sight, hearing, feelings and thoughts.
Pull back, shut, still,
and all is gone.

I said to Arjuna,
“Behold, I create all worlds
through my own magic.”

I pull back my maya, my senses
there is no God, no world,
no cat, no other, no me.
Only this.
Only tears.

When I’m doing anything, I function totally normally. But when I quiet down alone, I feel “the suck.” I can see why there’s all the warnings and disclaimers about this path. Why Jesus said you have to keep your hand on the plow and not look back. (Look back and everything is gone!). Why this path is not for most people. And why everyone does everything they can to cover up the truth.

My teacher assures me that “this is a beautiful thing,” and I know he’s right, even without him telling me, I sense it underneath. Yet, it also sucks.

Ryan and Narnia

Jon

Two nights ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to talk with Ryan Sharp, whose blog I’ve been reading for about a year. Ryan has a fierce dedication to living out gospel, which he and his wife Holly do in a most creative and unusual way, traveling around the country while simultaneously operating their graphic design company and performing concerts, and manifesting the light of Christ. If you haven’t read Ryan’s blog yet, check it out. (BTW, remember the amazing photo illustrations in A Generous Orthodoxy? That’s a sample of their work.)

Last night, I saw The Chronicles of Narnia:The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I’m working on my review now.

Feeling better

Jon

I wanted to let you know that the news I got back from the doctor wasn’t as bad as I had feared. But now, losing weight and lowering my cholesterol has become a priority.

Doldrums

Jon

People usually associate doldrums with summer. My personal doldrums usually don’t happen in summer, but in autumn or winter. The loss of sunshine and warm weather tends to affect me deeply. The last week or so, I haven’t meditated at all, and it’s wearing on me.

Any sailing ship can experience virtual doldrums just by taking the sails down, and for someone on the mystical path, that’s what it’s like when you stop taking the time to center yourself in This.

I’m feeling a certain inner resistance to getting back “on the wagon.” Why is it that part of myself wants to be miserable? I think it’s largely that resistance to change. There’s a lot I need to change, particularly in matters of food, sleep, exercise and personal discipline, things that I’ve struggled with now for … decades. I’m getting blood results back tomorrow. I may well find out I’m “pre-diabetic” or worse.

My teacher points out that the test of spiritual transformation is how it works out in the world of everyday life. Anyone who knows me knows that in spite of my high ideals and longing to awaken, I’m sleepwalking most of time. Sometimes, though, I just happen to be aware of it.

So I know what’s going on. My ego wants to hang on to the discontent rather than move on, change, and relish every moment as the sacred present. Doldrums. Yuck.

Still catching up

Jon

I’m still catching up on reading these few blogs. Wow. What I miss when I don’t get to them for a couple of weeks. Your blogs demand thought, reflection, and inspire comments. This is not just a matter of reading a couple of screens of info on less than two dozen blogs.

When I come up for air, I’m going to begin writing about the “first contact” stories of 2005: War of the Worlds, Surface, Invasion, and Threshold. It seems to me that this year science-fiction has impacted television more than ever before, though all the stories are earthbound and tense. What are your thoughts?

What did I do to deserve you?

Jon

The last couple of days, my great intentions (ha!) of writing new pages for this site have been thwarted. I’ve been catching up on blogs. You, my blogger friends, have made me drunk. As I told Meredith in a comment. I literally feel dizzy after drinking in the ecstasy and realization of her last post Sadiq’s blog has largely the same effect. And Mark at Eternal Awareness has 2 posts on his front page that made my jaw drop.

Ron, my preacher friend at Symphonic, shares his ever-increasing mystic insights, questing, and love, as do all my other blog friends? Trev, Darrell, and Bob, Rick, Twyla, Larry , ?forgive me if I left anyone out!

I keep my list of bloglinks small because I really do read them, and hey, I’ve got a life. But what a life it is when you are surrounded by souls like these: geniuses of the heart?mystics. Angels with crooked halos and grunge guitars, laughing and crying at the mad, mad, glad, glad situation of being spirit in a body in a world like this. Writers with an honesty and humility that puts me to shame.

I think no one ever had company like this.

Although I live alone, I feel so incredibly blessed to have friends who aren’t just “blessings,” but are manifestations of Blessing itself.

What did I do to deserve you?

Declining the Invitation

Jon

I seem to have learned something very valuable: to decline certain negative invitations. For instance, I’ve had migraines since puberty, but now when the first stage hits?visual disturbances, flashing lights, stuff like that—I have the ability to refuse the pain that comes after. It’s like I might not be able to keep the UPS guy from knocking on my door, but I can refuse to sign for the package. My last several migraines, I’ve consciously (and successfully) just refused delivery.

Tonight, I felt another negative invitation, to physical sickness. I know it sounds strange, but my experience with qigong and reiki has sensitized me to sometimes be aware of subtle goings-on inside my body. Tonight, I got an invitation to a bad cold or sore throat, something that would’ve been quite unpleasant. I declined, and spent a pleasant bit of time consciously fighting the infection I felt brewing. I’m confident I succeeded, and I’m going to be well tomorrow and throughout next week.

I also got a chance to see how prone I am to accept so many other negative invitations. Stress. Fear. Anger. Sure, I’m a happy mystic who loves the whole world—until I’m running late for work in a grinding traffic snarl. Why didn’t I see the invitation there?

(Them): Hey, Jon, let us introduce ourselves: we’re a traffic jam, the clock inside your car, and the deadline you should’ve met yesterday. We’re inviting you to enjoy hours of tension and excess stomach acid. Please play with us!

(Me): Hey guys. I really appreciate the thought—it’s nice to know I’m not being left out,—but seriously, I’m afraid I’d rather hang on to a positive attitude of peace and happiness, even in these circumstances. See you around.

Lord, help me to decline the invitations!

That’s Jedi life in the real world.